It seems like forever since I wrote last and yet this year has been flying by! I haven't been on social media at all lately. It zaps my energy like nothing else and I'd rather direct it into painting. That's not to say that I've been prolific lol. I can count the dolls I've done on two hands. But I find the quiet helps my focus. I'm able to get into that zen place which is necessary to bring out "who" the doll is. God, that sounded pretentious but I don't have a better way of explaining it, sorry lol.
I've made quite a bit of progress emotionally this year. Reading has helped, so has exercise. But the largest contributors have been time and acceptance. Sure, I could beat myself to a pulp for eternity but where would that get me? I've still got time to do some good here and that's a worthwhile reason to pull out of it.
Recently, I allowed myself to ask questions such as, "What would Bret have told you if it had been an ex who died instead (This affected my thinking most of all)? Did you follow your heart? Did you have the best intentions?". Sometimes all we have at the end of the day is "I did the best I could with what I had". It may not be completely satisfying but at least it's true. That's what Bret would have said, anyway.
Speaking of which, I haven't discussed publicly how very present Bret has been since that tragic morning. It's hard to describe without sounding certifiable so I don't generally talk about it. But those who have lost someone will understand and those who haven't might get a chuckle lol. He lets me know at every turn that he's around. He plays songs for me constantly, everywhere...home, in the car, at the store...on our 10 year anniversary I went to a high school recital and someone sang "our song" (which is pretty obscure) for goodness sakes!; I'm stalked by hummingbirds (I've even had them watch me from the middle of an intersection...twice); he fucks with my car ignition and other electronics; and he's contacted me through a ton of different mediums. It's ranged from opinions on my hair color, to describing exactly what's in my pantry, to basketball references but all of them with one goal...simply letting me know he's here, with me. Lately, Bret's "fun" is to play with my hair and to give me the chills. I know he's having a blast so it makes me smile. Of course it's all fun and games until he says that famous phrase, which has been done plenty of times with the project I've been working on.
Let me explain....